I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
