We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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