I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
