You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
