I am midnight drunk by noon
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
