I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
