My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
