Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
