I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
