you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize