So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
