So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
false alarm, still single
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