By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
