It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
