I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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