it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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