Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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