Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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