so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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