I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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