Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
