Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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