i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
