If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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