I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
