The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
