omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
