There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
