I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
