Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
