I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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