Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
