at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
