I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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