you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
