well I can't set my house on fire every night
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
