none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
