she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
