Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
