my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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