My room smells like vodka and shame
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
