Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
