it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
