I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
