how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
