I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
