the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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