So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
