Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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