I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and she was petting her beer can
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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