not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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