you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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