That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
