Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize