I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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