Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did I show you my penis last night?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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