Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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