i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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