Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
