just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
