college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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