I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
