Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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